DILBERTISMS

This little box will be your home for sixty hours a week. It comes with an obsolete computer and a binder about safety hazards. Your challenge is to look busy until someone gives you a meaningful assignment. --Dilbert
You know we don't allow anything on cubicle walls. It destroys the acoustic absorption of the fabric. --Dilbert's Pointy Haired Boss
We're taking away your individual cubicles. In the new system you'll sign up for whatever cube is open that day. It's based on the model of public restrooms. But I call it 'hoteling' because it increases my chances of getting tips. Each cubicle will have a computer, a chair, and a roll of note paper . . . Take one and pass it around. --Dilbert's Pointy Haired Boss
It's so exciting to visit my son's cubicle! I worked hard to put you through college. Now I'll see the results of my investment. Um...You did attend classes, right? --Dilbert's Mom
Ah, sweet cubicle. I have returned from my trip. It's just like being in the womb. --Dilbert
I found some numbers that support your strategic plan. I had to take the square root of a negative number to do it. The timeline is on this mobius strip. --Dilbert
I had to make some optimistic assumptions to meet the revenue target In week three, we're visited by an alien named D'utox Inag who offers to share his advanced technology. --Dilbert
Next week, a doctor with a flashlight shows us where sales projections come from.
"There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as 'nutty methods.' Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time." "Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."
"Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems." "I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles." "Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end." "No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot." "We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants." "We expect others to act rationally even though we are irrational." "Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive." "The Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage--Management."

DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable: if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you've said you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the bossasks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are reallygood, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number ofpens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily byreducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible foreverything that goes wrong.